The anniversary of your death is approaching. Would it surprise you to know that I still long for your love? That if I still had your bed to crawl into and dream, I would do so, trying desperately to find some way to connect with you? I know you didn’t want children, you really didn’t even want marriage, but your parents denied you access to the education you really wanted, and told you it was your duty in life to marry and reproduce. Perhaps if you had the chance to develop as a person and become the educated woman you wanted to be, you would have eventually married and the children who were a burden to you would have been a blessing.
But that isn’t how it happened, is it? I remember how you used to get drunk and heap abuse on me, how I wasn’t the blonde and blue eyed little girl you wanted. I remember how you laughed at my love for God and told me I must be really foolish to believe in fairy tales… But you know, Barbie, if not for this God you denied I would never have survived in this world. After you died I was cast into a world of horrors that should have left me in a mental institute, curled up the fetal position… However, due to the love of God I did survive. But not without scars, many of which are there because I was never good enough for you, never pretty enough, never a good enough skater, never good enough period. And the son you adored so much didn’t make it mum. He died shortly after you did. They called it cancer, but it was from a broken heart… So the only legacy you left behind was me.
Me! The child you never wanted!
I am a child of God, mother. He has given me everything I needed to survive, and has always been faithful with His love for me, even when I let Him down. He would never abandon me either, mum, despite that fact. He is my Father and loves me and I love Him, and He has made your memory bearable to me now.
I am not a good person, mum. I have a lot of problems. But God is teaching me, something you never did. …And He cares not that I look more like my Jewish father and not my beautiful blonde and blue and green-eyed mother. He cares not that I could never be as beautiful as you were, Barbie.
You see, He looks where it counts; at the heart. I don’t think you ever saw my heart. I don’t think you were even aware that I had one. And you know, despite your incredible physical beauty mother, you are now but dust. I am not rubbing it in; I still and always will love you and there will always be a void in my heart where your love should have been. But I do not hold it against you, mum, not at all. I understand what your life was like, and I know that you suffered too. My heart aches for you, mother. Knowing that I will never have that love kills me!
Ah, but mother… God is real. God really loves me. And so the life you gave me didn’t turn into utter ruin as it should have, even though I was cast out into the world like flying wreckage… The bruises from your constant physical abuse have healed of course; but not the emotional scars that came from your emotional abuse.
Here is the good news, though. I am still standing mother. Oh sure, I fall down a lot, but God pulls me back up and sets me on my way again. He never belittles me or tells me that I am not good enough, even though of course I am not. It isn’t my own goodness, but that of my Saviour that has saved me… I am so sorry that you never experienced God’s love. And on the anniversary of your death I shall weep for you, mother.
But not having your love will not cripple me anymore. I have a parent who is the Ultimate Parent, one who will never take his love away or cast me out.
I am so sorry, Barbie. Things sure turned out a lot different than either one of us imagined, didn’t they?
It says in the Bible that He will, in the end, (or the beginning, I should say) wipe away every tear. My guess is that when I am with God in eternity I will not have any memory of you at all, Barbie. Because if I did, I could never get over all the pain of your not loving me, and especially the pain of knowing I will never see you again.
Good bye, Barbie. I wish things could have been different, but that isn’t the way it played out. As it turns out, your good-for-nothing daughter is the only one from the whole family (that I am aware of) who will be spending eternity with God. Apparently mother, He took pity on the little girl who nobody loved, and is going to lavish His love on me forever. I truly wish you could be there to experience it with me, mother, because I still love you.
But someday I will have no memory of you, so I grieve the loss of you now… I am sorry that you couldn’t be with me in eternity with God when I finally arrive there, but you won’t.
So I cry for you now, mother. I still cry for you.
The little girl you never wanted